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CHAPTER TWELVE:
PETS AND STRESS

The benefits of having a pet

While the saying "The more you give the more you get " may seem like an ad for a charity, it applies to all relationships including having a pet.

A famous analogy can be found in the question, of why the Sea of Galilee has been teeming with life fish and flora for thousands of years, while the Dead Sea is just that - dead. The answer given is that the former receives its water from the North and lets it flow to the South. It receives and gives - so there is life. The latter only receives and therefore is dead.

Pets respond in direct proportion to what they receive. An adult or child who invests time and effort in his pet will find himself rewarded with a loyal and loving pet. (that's a dog - not a cat!!)

Some people are hesitant to get pets because they don't want to expose themselves and their families to the pain of the pets eventual death

Thousands of years ago ( a tribe known as the Natufians livening near Jericho became one of the first people to domesticate sheep and dogs (Zeuner F.E.: A history of Domestic Animals). Ever since then a bond has existed between humans and animals. pets.

Any parent whose child had a pet has watched in amazement as an unruly child suddenly becomes gentle and calm when greeting his dog. Many of us have experienced the calming effect of holding and stroking a cat or a dog or another animal. There is something almost magical about a child's relationship with a pet. Adults, too, can benefit greatly from owning pets. A number of recent studies have shown that petting a dog or cat lowers blood pressure in adults. Owning pets has also been shown to have a positive effect on senior citizens, particularly those living alone -- giving them a responsibility for a living creature that requires them to function even when they don't feel like it, raising their morale, and providing a source of unconditional love. If this is true in normal times, in times of stress or mourning, the benefits are multiplied.

Advantages of having a pet in times of stress

There are many reasons why families don't have pets, and it is not my contention that every family "must " have a pet. Nevertheless, pets provide a number of direct befits during times of stress.

One of the key reactions in times of stress is that we feel we are not the "captains of our fate" and have lost control -- and that is frightening. A pet allows the child to exercise mastery. By teaching the pet" tricks" or training him, the child is able to control the animal's behavior and thereby experience a form of empowerment. He also learns self control and patience. In order to teach an animal it is necessary to balance gentleness, positive reinforcement, and discipline in careful proportions. A child has to learn to control his own feelings of frustration if he wants to do a good job. He has to also learn to stick to a task until it is successfully completed. The reward ( having the dog respond to "sit") is immediate and is something the child can be proud of. Each success leads to a desire to try for the next.

In times of extreme stress, or after undergoing a trauma, a child may feel guilt, accompanied by the feeling that he is in some way being punished for having been "bad." The pet can provide support for the child by "looking up to him" - something that raises the child's feeling of worth with the unstated "I can't be all bad if my dog loves me."

If the child has been injured, he may at some stage fear people or be afraid to go downtown. Having a pet provides some emotional backup and protection. When a child is with the pet he feels that he is both being protected and isa protector. Children often take pride when their pet displays physical skills (jumping, etc.) or abilities like finding the way home from a long distance. The pet also relies on the child for food, play and, in the case of a dog, to be walked, making the youngster the most important person in his life .

A pet does not judge - it provides love and warmth is never critical or judgmental. The child is loved for what he is, and not what he has studied or what he may become. In many families, a pet encourages interaction among siblings. On the other hand, it can become a source of friction: "I took the dog out yesterday" or "You played with him all day it's my turn!" But it also provides a opportunity for children to learn how to work out a compromise.

A pet sometimes makes it easier for to open up. Some children and even adults simply find it easier to talk about a trauma while holding and petting an animal. Pet -oriented psychotherapy is an accepted and welcome addition to various therapies, especially for children.

Most pet owners have at one time or another found ourselves talking to our pets. When we realize what we are doing, we often feel a bit foolish. Children are often overheard asking their pets what they think or complaining to them about an incident that happened in school. It's not that they expect an answer, but the pet is someone to whom they can freely. Especially in cases of trauma, the very fact of being able to "vent," even if it is not to another human being, is helpful in relieving some of the anxiety.

David ( age 10) was hurt in a bombing attack and although his life was not in danger, he had to spend several months undergoing painful physical therapy and to remain at home. Like most small boys David would pass by a pet shop and wistfully comment about wanting a dog. Since the family lived on a third floor walkup owning a dog was not considered realistic. A few weeks after coming home, David's condition allowed him to spend a number of hours alone yet he complained about being lonely. His parents , encouraged by a social worker, offered to buy David a dog. But instead of going to a pet store his parents decided to visit the local animal shelter and allow David to choose a puppy. His mother was almost as excited as David when talking about it: " I haven't seen him so excited and looking forward so much to anything since before the attack!"

Choosing a pet

Any parent who has ever had a pet knows that much of the responsibility for the pet will fall on the parent. No matter how much we stress that the child is responsible, we are the ones who will have to take the animal to the vet, and take the dog out after the child has gone to bed. We are the ones who also have to foot the bill. For this reason adopting a pet must be carefully weighed before a final decision is made. Furthermore, it essential to remember that a pet is a living creature with physical and emotional needs whose satisfaction depends on you. The Torah dictates that you must feed your animal before you yourself can eat. And if after adopting the animal, you decide you don't want it after all, you must make proper arrangements to find it another home - and not abandon it!!

Pets are divided into three categories depending on the degree of contact . Contact A type includes soft furry animals like dogs and cats that can relate to us on an emotional level; contact B type includes animals like hamsters, rabbits, and birds, some of which are still cuddly but less responsive. Contact C type consists of fish and other pets that still demand responsibility but are not capable of showing affection. A child usually prefers the pet that provides the most contact, i.e. a dog or a cat.

But there are questions to be asked? Is the child old enough to accept the responsibility? Do you have room for the pet? The balance between the needs of the home and those of the child must be considered most carefully. Having a pet when one parent is always complaining about it will just raise the level of tension and be counterproductive. The decision must be a family decision, made jointly by all those involved.

In the case noted above, choosing a pet from the local animal shelter also gave the child an added good feeling of providing a home for a homeless animal.

Once the decision has been made, the family should go as a unit to visit various shelters or, if a pure breed is desired, visit a few kennels to decide which animal to adopt.

Often after a few months, when the novelty wears off, we may be tempted to do some of the everyday chores ourselves. This is self defeating -- the child must understand that he is in this for the long run and that quitting is not an option?.

The downside?

The question is often asked whether, since the life span of an animal is far less than that of a human, won't we be exposing our child to further hurt? Dealing with loss in the best of times is difficult. Throughout our lives we will have to part from people or things that we love. The death of a pet die can be traumatic but depending on how we handle it, it can also be an opportunity for growth. The lessons a child learns from our reactions and how we deal with the loss can serve him in good stead when the need arises.

It is all too easy for some people to make light of the death of a pet especially when comparing it to the other issues discussed here . "Its only an animal" is the insensitive reaction. "That's true," is my response "but it is not the animal who is hurting, it is the child, and his feelings need to be acknowledged and dealt with." Telling a child to "grow up" belittles his feelings and makes him feel as if the sorrow he is experiencing is inappropriate and foolish While we must keep this kind of grief in proportion, we should remember that Judaism places great value on life - any life - and it is appropriate and normal to feel grief for a living creature that has been part of our family and given us joy and pleasure.

If the vet tells you that your pet is terminally ill, it is best to bring all the facts to your family members. They will ask you if you are sure, if there is anything that can be done. . They may ask you to get a second opinion. All these issues must be addressed seriously, showing the child respect for his feelings and thoughts. One child asked his parent, after hearing that his pet had cancer, if they could arrange for chemotherapy. . In such cases, each person must make his own decision. The guiding principle be preventing tzar baalei chayim - needless pain to an animal. Unlike human life, an animal's life is not intrinsically sacred, and should not be prolonged to satisfy our selfish wish to " have him for a few more months."

Whether you decide to bury the animal in your backyard or in a local forest, the family should be involved. Take your children with you and make sure that the animal is wrapped. It could be in a favorite blanket or in a cardboard box. Dumping the animal in a dumpster is demeaning your children's feelings and will be traumatic effect to them.

When should I get another pet?

Give it time. As with any loss, it is necessary to give the child time to absorb the loss, and to give the memory its space and time.?? Getting another pet after a week thinking it will make the child feel better is a mistake. Only when the child has come to terms with his grief, and is ready to "move on," can he can make room in his life for another pet.

The loss of any type of life is part of the human experience. All life has a value and should be respected.