Crisis or Challenge: Trauma and Our Children

CHAPTER TWO:
TRAUMA AND OUR CHILDREN

After the bomb went off in Jerusalem's Sbarro restaurant, the telephone lines were overloaded with people calling family and friends to make sure they were alright. Following their natural instinct, people rushed home to be with their children and protect them - even though they don't really know how to protect them from the emotional trauma they knew their children would suffer.

Numbed by repeated terror attacks, we ask ourselves, "What are we supposed to do? How can we handle it all?" As one young father remarked wryly, "I guess I never took Trauma for Children 103 at school!"

After the initial shock of a terror attack or other disaster, children exhibit many different types of behavior patterns. Their extent and duration depend on the child's age, his proximity to the event, his connection to either the victims or the location - and how we as parents react. We must never forget that children watch us to see what kind of behavior is acceptable in such a situation.

When we discuss a disaster with our children we should not block out the frightening parts. The child has either witnessed the event, seen it on TV, or heard about it in detail from friends. Our natural reaction is to make it less awful than it actually was. We want to protect our children, but trying to minimize what happened won't end a child's fears.

The children look to us for comfort, just when it is all we can do to cope with our own fears and stress. A child can always sense when we are tense, angry, or frightened. Trying to hide it simply doesn't work. Yelling, "Shut up, the news is on," and then sitting zombie-like as the horror is re-enacted over and over again on the screen is a sure red light to the child that something is terribly wrong. There is nothing wrong with admitting to him that something is amiss, that we are upset. But at the same time, we must immediately emphasize he is not in danger and that we are not going anywhere and will do whatever we can to protect him.

Reactions to Trauma

How close was the child to the trauma?

Remember the concentric circles in chapter one? Naturally the closer the child to the center the greater the trauma.

How much should I tell a young child?

The closer a child was to the center the more professional intervention he will need. In addition, children who lose a friend often experience irrational feelings of guilt.

Each of us knows our own children best, and we should rely on our instincts. Usually the best advice is the same as for sex education: just answer the questions they ask. Keep your replies brief but honest, and always emphasize that they are not in any danger. Do not go into political explanations or graphic and gory details, but rather address the child's concern in an age-appropriate manner.

A child's age naturally affects how he responds. A six year-old will not really understand the meaning of what he sees on television. A child trying to get his grandmother to watch the Twin Towers disaster on CNN called out, "You have to see this movie." To him it was just like one of the disaster movies he watched with his older brothers.

Children ages 3- 5

One of the first reactions in children this age will probably be expressions of fear. They may express fear for themselves - or for their pet cat. The focus of the anxiety can be quite broad and inclusive. It may even include an inanimate object like a doll or teddy bear. It may be accompanied by regression into more childlike behavior, such as thumb sucking, bed wetting and even a whining voice. The children may make trouble getting off to school and complain of not feeling well just before the bus arrives.

Sometimes children demonstrate more aggressive behavior to show that "they are in control." At the same time they may become more withdrawn, both at home and in school.

Children ages 8-10

Older children will express the same feelings of fear as their younger siblings. However, they may be wary of talking about their fears, and instead will project them onto others. After a number of drive-by shootings, one boy kept insisting that his brothers were afraid to drive, and that the parents should insist that they wear flack jackets when they took out the family car. Children may also transfer their fears of the outside world into the school world with which they are familiar. One principal reported that children were complaining of a rise in violence in school when there was actually a reduction. Complaints of violence may also be a manifestation of their fear of leaving home. A child who suffers from ADD or ADHD may become even more hyperactive.

Complaints and anxiety about violence may be accompanied by expressions of desire to commit violent acts - especially toward those who perpetrated the act of terror. Some children may become fascinated with the details, the gorier the better, and save pictures of the incident.

Occasionally the beginnings of xenophobia, or mistrust of anyone who is "not one of us," may appear. Children who never participated in demonstrations may suddenly show an interest in attending demonstrations, the more radical the better.

Adolescents

While a young child may find it acceptable to voice fears about leaving the house, adolescents consider showing such emotions beneath them, a sign of weakness. They usually do just the opposite of what they feel, and will spend even more time outside the home. At the same time, they may become more belligerent to cover up their fear and uneasiness about the future.

Many teenagers need to show that they are in control of their lives. Much of their posturing is just that, a fa?ade that they use as protection against the outside world. A trauma undermines their sense of security even more, but for the most part they lack the maturity and the tools to work through their fears. Instead, they exhibit more aggressive behavior as a defense mechanism. This aggressiveness may express itself in intra-family relationships, or it may be directed towards other groups. They may make generalizations regarding the perpetrators of terror and express strong, even radical, opinions, challenging you to disagree with them. School grades will inevitably suffer.

Their posturing may be accompanied by increased alcohol and drug abuse. Following a terror attack, I met a young acquaintance who had never shown any interest in smoking grass although it was common among his peers. I immediately noticed that he was totally stoned. He was almost violent when I questioned him about it: "Hey, I can be killed tomorrow, why shouldn't I enjoy myself today?" In addition to providing an escape, drug and alcohol use serve another purpose - to convince the user that he is invulnerable: "Look how strong I am. I can do drugs and nothing happens to me!"

On rare occasions, parents may hear adolescent talk about the futility of living. Although this does not necessarily mean that he is suicidal, it is a call for help. He is telling us, "I am scared; I have no control over my future. I don't know which family member will be killed tomorrow. HELP!"

What Can I Do to Help?

"patience." Remember, the recovery process takes time. During this period, try to limit any major shake-ups in their lives, such as moving. Try to minimize any major decisions that affect them, postponing them if possible. As with many difficult experiences, this one can tear you and your children apart or bring you that much closer together. So take a deep breath and try to keep that in mind.

All children need an anchor and a counterweight to peer pressure. The home must serve that purpose. If there are legitimate concerns about safety then they should be discussed. Teachers can also play a vital role in helping set guidelines. This may relieve some of the anxiety and establish a code of behavior, which the child can use as a blanket excuse: "My mom/teacher won't let me . . . ."

General information for all children

Your child's first reaction upon hearing about a disaster or terror attack will be fright. If he is able to verbalize it, that should, of course, be encouraged. None of us have all the answers and children do not expect it of us. When they ask, "Why . . .?" You can simply reply, "I don't know, but I will do everything in my power to make sure that nothing happens to you."

Some parents and children find it comforting to discuss, "What we would do if . . . ." This kind of emergency planning is almost like a life raft to which the child can cling. It also reaffirms your commitment to keeping him safe. Keep in mind that almost all children will show some regression - this is natural and should be understood. Most important they should be assured that their fears and reactions are normal.

Children have always been fascinated by stories of orphans and evil step-mothers. It plays to one of the most fundamental fears of a child - the loss of a parent. This fear can be projected onto their parents and siblings after a disaster, when almost all children will show some kind of regressive behavior; be prepared and handle it gently but consistently. If, for example, you decide to allow a later bedtime for a week, then stick to it and go back to the regular bedtime after the week is up.

All children need extra hugging and reassuring. A child may regress to whining and/or more clinging, babyish behavior. The best thing to do is simply (easy to say) ignore it - totally. Remember that parents don't have to "hear" everything.

Watching Television

Television plays an increasingly more important role in shaping how we see the world. Everything is broadcast in real time, in color, and on 30 inch screens. Today there is no getting away from the horror and the vividly graphic portrayal of a disaster.

It is advisable to stick to the following rules about watching news on TV:

Keep the viewing short - don't allow the child (or yourselves) to become "hostages" to the news.
Watch with your child. Calm but sincere expressions of concern convey the message that there are still safety and controls around him although something bad has happened.
Afterwards, discuss what you saw to prevent any internalizing of misinformation or misunderstanding about what actually happened. Children often take what they have seen on TV and expand it until it encompasses their entire world. If your child doesn't bring up the subject, initiate a discussion right after the news. Assure him that no matter what he may have seen, it is unlikely to happen to him.
Some parents feel uncomfortable with the message, "Don't worry, it can't happen to you," simply because it can - especially in high risk areas. As one parent put it, "And if something ever did happen, won't that destroy any belief my child has in me? Won't it make me a liar?" No, because the key word in the above paragraph is "unlikely," not "can't." While this may seem like mere semantics, it is important to provide facts. For example, in the case of a flood in India, you can take out a map and show how far away it is from you. In the case of a terror attack, a child will feel more secure knowing that his parent has set limitations and guidelines, and is taking every precaution to ensure his safety.
Highlight the positive aspects. While this may seem a bit farfetched, it can slightly deflect some of the horror of a disaster. During the Twin Tower Disaster, psychologists advised parents to help their children focus on the heroic behavior of the firefighters who were risking their lives to find survivors, and on scenes of families being reunited.

What to Say

Children need to feel that things will get better. But we, as adults, often unwittingly perpetuate feelings of unease or even despair, by talking too much or too loud. We talk on the phone with friends; teachers talk in the school hallways. These overheard conversations are far more credible to the children than what we tell them formally. Don't say anything on the phone or on the street that you wouldn't want your child to hear directly.

The more adults rehash the details of an event, the more time it will take for children to get past the initial trauma because we are signaling that we are stuck, like an old record, and cannot get past what happened. This can create uneasiness and even fear in our children, who depend on us to be their anchors. If you are overwhelmed by what has happened then you must get help as soon as possible in order to develop the strength to help your children.

Keep to Schedule

Mealtime should be mealtime, homework - homework, and, naturally, bedtime - bedtime. Despite their complaints, children need some kind of schedule. It gives them a feeling of security to know that at least at home everything is normal. This does not mean that you should be there with a stopwatch, but it is important for them to stick to a basic schedule.

Each According to His Age

Very Young Children

Most children under the age of five are incapable of understanding what is happening during a disaster. Often, they will not even ask about the event. If they ask questions, keep the explanations simple. Try to avoid exposure to TV news. At this age, the child may reflect your general mood rather than any specific fear. Simple reassurance can go a long way. After a machine gun attack on a settlement, a parent asked me how to reassure his 4 year-old who expressed anxiety about the possibility of a bullet entering his home. I advised him to give his son a hammer and have him bang on the concrete wall, demonstrating the strength of the wall to him. The issue was never raised again.

Young Children

The most sensitive time is usually bedtime. Even in normal situations, children frequently fear the night. In bed in the dark, their half-buried fears and images jump out at them. During times of crisis these fears are naturally exacerbated. If a child shows resistance to going to sleep, there are a number of things we can do to help:

Offer to read to your child prior to going to bed even if you haven't in the past. This will calm him down and put him in "rest" mode. Choosing the book together is a shared experience that will also strengthen his bond with you.
Sometimes soft, classical background music about an hour before bedtime or even after he goes to bed will relax the child enough so that he can fall asleep.
Some children need the extra reassurance that it is OK to wake you up at night if they have nightmares. Often, after a few nights of bad dreams, the child will find the very act of closing his eyes to be stressful since he is afraid that "the bad dreams will come back again." This turns into a vicious cycle and almost guarantees that the bad dreams will reoccur. The trick is to break the cycle and thus relieve the pre-bedtime stress.
It is a good idea to turn on a night light or to keep the bedroom door slightly ajar. My mother had a wonderful idea she used when we were kids. If we had a nightmare she would come into our room, take the pillow, fluff it up, and turn it around. "Now," she said, "All the bad dreams go down to the floor and only the good dreams will be near your head."
More than anything else, a child needs reassurance that you are there and that you love him and his siblings more than anything.

Younger children often find it easier to play out their fears with dolls or even plastic figures. Others find painting (especially finger painting or drawing), followed by talking about the picture, a wonderful outlet. Do not guess what the child has drawn. Let him tell you about it. Do not be afraid to say, "I don't understand this picture. Can you tell me a story about it?" And while you are listening to his story, do not minimize his fears. On the other hand, try to provide age-appropriate reassurances. The key is to give him the feeling that you are there for him and you will do everything possible to protect him.

Finally, if the child seems withdrawn, speak to other parents and encourage his friends to come over and play.

Older Children

Once children reach the age of 12 they often begin keeping a diary. If your child hasn't started one yet you can encourage him to do so by buying an attractive journal and presenting it to him as a present, while reminiscing about how you used to keep one at his age. You can emphasize that it is private and that you will not look at it without his permission.

If your child is driving you crazy by repeating stories of what happened, then just take a deep breath and let him. He is trying, in his own way, to absorb what happened Each time he retells it he is coming closer to that goal.

Talk of revenge can be quite frightening to a parent. Hearing your once sweet 15 year-old daughter talking about "killing those %&@!!" is unsettling to say the least. While she is emoting her feelings of fear on the one hand, she is demonstrating unacceptable behavior on the other. You can identify with her fears, while setting limits on unacceptable behavior. For example, when you hear calls for revenge you can say, "You sound furious," or "You really want to get back at them for what they did." A child may be more receptive if you reflect back the feelings behind her statements. If you do it properly, in a non-judgmental way, it will give you a chance to discuss what she really thinks. It is so rare that we get to see what is deep within our child - and this is an opportunity that can bring you closer.

Older children often have more difficulty discussing fears. So when your son says, "Wow, I had a weird dream last night," put down whatever you are doing, look into his eyes and say, "Great, tell me about it." Don't analyze it with him; just listen. If you feel the need to say something, just respond, "That must have been scary."

Talking about what happened in the news over supper may lead to a discussion about feelings. The way the news reports events also provides a good trigger for a discussion: "Do you believe everything you see on CNN? Are things really as bad as they report?" When you decide that the answer is no (and it probably is), you will also reduce the tensions caused by the news.

If your child was directly touched by tragedy, then he may also suffer from feelings of guilt. Thoughts like, "Maybe if I had walked with him from school . . . " or "I treated her so badly the day before and now . . . " are going to crop up. Most parents won't realize the depth of their child's feelings unless he bursts out with an irrational statement such as, "It's all my fault!" Our initial response is to grab him, shake him, and then hug him, telling him all the while that he is wrong. Such a reaction skips the crucial first step - listening to him. He may believe certain things happened that didn't. He may feel that he could have influenced the outcome of events. This may be the only chance he will ever get to verbalize his feelings of guilt. If possible, try to get professional help from the school guidance counselor or someone else.

Attending the funeral or memorial service can be helpful, especially for adolescents. When my son was 16, a recent graduate of his school, Nachshon Wachsman (referred to in later in detail in chapter five), was taken hostage by terrorists and later killed. The funeral was held on a rainy Saturday night. We attended the funeral together, cried together, and were overwhelmed by the national outpouring of grief and support on the part of the tens of thousands of people from every stratum of society at the funeral. For all of its sadness, that experience remains etched in both our memories as one of warmth and closeness.

Helping Others Heal

Often when we help someone else we also help ourselves. If the family of the victim is known to you then the involvement becomes more intimate. If a classmate was murdered, much can be done that is mutually helpful to the family and the friends, such as exchanging photos, sharing recollections, and taking care of younger siblings. Even young children can become "older brothers or sisters" (under guidance), and visit the survivor's siblings during the shiva, as well as afterwards.

Many youngsters express a desire to do something practical that will serve as a memorial for their friends. It's helpful to have the guidance of a youth director, teacher, and/or other professional who can determine if the project is viable and help plan it. It is important that the project be carried out by the youngsters and not by adults, with the kids just along for the ride. Building a playground or decorating a school or clubhouse can provide a positive outlet for the kids' tension, frustration, anger, and hurt.

On a yishuv (small village or settlement), where a mourning tent is set up after a murder, teens can play an active role in conducting the activities held there. This is important, even if it means putting less emphasis (temporarily) on school. Even if the children do not know the victim or his family personally, they should be encouraged to give charity, or write letters. Older teens in Israel can join the civil guard, or volunteer with Magen David Adom and learn first aid. This has an additional benefit of helping bolster their self-confidence and giving them the positive feeling that they can do something to protect themselves and others.

Changes in Normal Behavior

A parent should be aware of his child's normal behavioral patterns so that he can recognize a change when he sees it and react appropriately.

We have already mentioned some of the symptoms that can occur immediately after a traumatic experience. Sometimes those symptoms only appear weeks or even months after the actual event. This is especially true when there has been more than one such event - or when the child feels that there is a very real possibility that there will be another terror attack.

Noam is a healthy, normal 10 year-old. Like many kids today, he comes home from school, lets himself into the house, and does his homework or plays until his parents come home. He never expressed any fear of being home alone.

One afternoon he called his father at work and began the conversation saying, "If I tell you something do you promise you won't laugh at me?" After his father made the appropriate response Noam began, "I opened the front door and saw that the back door was standing open. I was really scared that terrorists were in the house. I called but there was no answer. So I went in the kitchen, took out the biggest knife I could find and walked into each room to make sure there was no one there." When asked why he took the knife and whether he realized that he could have hurt himself, he replied, "Yes, but it made me feel better."

Later on that night his father reviewed the incident with him. On the one hand, he expressed pride in the fact that his son overcame his fear; on the other, he made him promise that the next time he was scared he would call an adult neighbor. Even a simple family outing can be traumatic for a child. Ten year-old Noam lives in a small town outside Jerusalem. For the first time in several months, he was going to downtown Jerusalem with his parents, an area in which there had been numerous suicide bombings since his last visit.

Usually an outgoing, easy child who loved to travel, he appeared withdrawn and tense during the trip. His father noticed that Noam was intensely studying everyone they passed and kept far away from the curb. He realized that to his son each pedestrian wearing a coat was a potential suicide bomber. In an effort to calm him he began a game: "Count the number of security guards you see." Within a few minutes Noam was himself again, the game having helped assure him that he was as safe as possible.

CHAPTER TWO: TRAUMA AND OUR CHILDREN